me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
