did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Randomize
