I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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