I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
