The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
