I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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