$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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