We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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