Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
