So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
