This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
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