mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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