I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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