God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Randomize
