I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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