and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
