i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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