During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
