I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
