Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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