She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
