Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
