and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
