Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
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