Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
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