woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
