Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
It was confusing and full of hummus
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
