shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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