i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
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