I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
