U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
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