she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
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