I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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