So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Randomize
