I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
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