tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
