Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
