It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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