If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
