Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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