I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
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