So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Randomize
