Well apparently he's into motor boating.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I could make wine with my vomit
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
