i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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