im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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