oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
