A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
