operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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