Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
