I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Randomize
