I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
