i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
